The Hero We Deserved: A Rimworld Spoof

[OldManSteve]

I've enjoyed a few let's plays of Rimworld online and while doing so, noticed the comedic potential of the game.
So, I decided to write an in-world spoof of the game on my Wattpad page.
https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/89900701-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof

A colony of castaways on a lonely planet are joined by Jonny "Ballz" Espoto. A pro gamer, he is barely capable of anything the colony needs. Can he become the human hero they need him to be, in their darkest hours? Or will his lazy tendencies, dude-bro attitude and chemical habits doom them all to the vast array of enemies on the planet?

Writer note: some swearing, lots of death, no...y'know...

Updates every Tuesday night my time until finished.

[OldManSteve]

Chapter 4 up and loaded!

Ballz finds Yayo in some cargo pods. Sweet, delicious Yayo. Good ole' nose candy.
But town boss Froggy is a bit of a hard-ass/no fun guy. Will the player let Ballz relax for once?

[OldManSteve]

Chapter 5 is up and loaded!
https://www.wattpad.com/339729800-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof-chapter-5

The colony has spent the past few days building turrets because boss Froggy thinks mechanoids are coming. Unfortunately for the colony, a manhunter pack has shown up. Can Jonny 'Ballz' Espoto get back to the colony in time? What kind of idiot brings Earth animals across the galaxy, anyway?

[OldManSteve]

Chapter 6 is up! Pour out a beer!
https://www.wattpad.com/342430915-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof-chapter-6

Ballz is in need of love but can't find any. He can find beer, at least!
Unfortunately, so do others. Can Ballz get to the beer before they do? And how are 'they' even opening the bottles??? They don't even have hands!!!

[OldManSteve]

Chapter 7: Four funerals and a wedding. "Isn't that 5 of the same thing?" - Al Bundy
Well, today it certainly is.
https://www.wattpad.com/345149695-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof-chapter-7
Eun Hyeon "BSTY2" and Rick Maldonado "Froggy" are getting married! They are just about to tie the knot when...a raid is coming. The raid is being led...Eun Hyeon's father?!!!!

I have seen this happen before in A15. If you want to see this for yourself, look at this video (time stamp included) https://youtu.be/f0gY1XkjvfI?t=19m12s

Phoebe Chillax can be nasty when she wants to be.

[OldManSteve]

Today on The Hero We Deserved, the colonists (and the player) learn the hard way that Phoebe has no chill.
https://www.wattpad.com/348383872-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof-bugs-vs

Ancient danger? What ancient danger? It's just a room with a buncha broken robots inside! Hey, what's that clicking sound coming from the ceiling?

[Thyme]

Nice read so far

[OldManSteve]

Today on The Hero We Deserved, we join our colonists as they deal with bugs and mechs, both at the same time, in the same room.
If they survive the battle of Bugs vs Mechs, they get to open their Christmas present- cryosleep caskets! I wonder what could be inside. Eh...uh...which one's the open button?
https://www.wattpad.com/350115049-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof-bugs-vs

[OldManSteve]

Today on The Hero We Deserved, the colony has many, many, many problems.
https://www.wattpad.com/353340816-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof-chapter-10
For example, Ballz can't get any action from anybody at the colony.
Solution: Smokeleaf! Good ole smokeleaf. It makes your problems fade away in a green chillax haze...
"So Mr. Espoto, do you know why you're in the hospital right now?"

[OldManSteve]

Today on The Hero We Deserved, the colonists get in touch with their feelings.
https://www.wattpad.com/354226773-the-hero-we-deserved-a-rimworld-spoof-chapter-11
Lil and Hot97 finally get to express to the world their love of art!
Froggy rediscovers his love of money! $$$$!
For Ballz, this unfortunately means he has to fight boredom at the stonecutting table.

[PotatoeTater]

Good read man, keep up the writing.

[OldManSteve]

Today on The Hero We Deserved, it's Ballz' birthday!
http://my.w.tt/UiNb/KzGXjxI6bA
What does Ballz get for his birthday? Drugs raining from the sky!
And he gets another present! It's very large! It's the size of house! The RNGs have truely blessed him today! What's that weird humming sound?
Pro-tip: That rare thrumbo make look like a unicorn, but it's not a unicorn. Don't jump on it, expecting to ride it into the sunset.

[OldManSteve]

Part 2 of It's my birthday and I'll die if I want to]
http://my.w.tt/UiNb/eoU1VOxTnA
In the infantry, soldiers hear two key words: Hurry Up, and Wait.
On a Rimworld, it's important to be patient as your player/omnipresent god above positions and repositions you. It's also important to be calm when more obnoxious problems show up.
Unfortunately for the colony, Ballz is neither patient nor calm.
This is the moment the colony needs him most. Will he be there for him? Will it even matter because damn that's a LOT to deal with in one day!

[Cypher_XIII]

Very entertaining, looking forward to reading  the next part... Nasty cliffhanger

[xrumblingcdsx]

Ballz is a badass.