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Hello again my fellow demented colony overlords, time for another poll!

This one is a little closer to home. I recently found out from a friend I have feelings for that she believes in never dating an ex, and it left me kinda...shocked?... that she had such a blunt policy.

One vote per person,and if you can condense your policy into a single sentence and it isn't too similar to one already up, I'll add it to the poll.

also for the sake of info, as it could be interesting to see the difference in overall policies,AND if you are ok with it, please tell us your gender.

for the discussion below, please keep it limited to talking to about your policies with ex-lovers and debating their merits and valves. No politics in this one please!

lastly, remember to follow the rules of the forum. we may be demented to our colonists, but let us treat each other with more respect. Toodles!

-poll lover billycop32

Interesting question.  I haven't given it too much thought in the past, but I think my leaning is #3: "I am open to giving them another chance, as long as the break-up wasn't for a really bad reason".  I married my 2nd girlfriend, so I don't have a lot of IRL experience on ex's.

I've been married 7 years now, but when I was a single man I -never- dated / associated / spoke to / saw / acknowledged an ex-girlfriend.

You split up for a reason, keep it that way.

Quote from: SilentP on September 09, 2016, 04:42:28 PM
I've been married 7 years now, but when I was a single man I -never- dated / associated / spoke to / saw / acknowledged an ex-girlfriend.

You split up for a reason, keep it that way.

I don't really get that. people change and I would even go so far to say that eventually down the years the person you dated doesn't really exist anymore. So to me unless they did something that is a extremely bad (we are talking stuff even the law declares no. abuse,rape,etc....) eventually they should be at the very least be given a chance to be friends again.

I prefaced every new relationship with what I called "the talk".  I lay out the rules.  Don't lie to me, don't cheat on me, just be honest with how you feel.  If you want to split up, that's fine.  If you want to see other people, that's fine too.  Just don't go running around and then lie.

If a girl cheated on me, it proved she couldn't be trusted.

Now keep in mind this was almost 15 years ago.  Things have -really- changed since then.

Quote from: billycop32 on September 09, 2016, 05:29:24 PM

Quote from: SilentP on September 09, 2016, 04:42:28 PM
I've been married 7 years now, but when I was a single man I -never- dated / associated / spoke to / saw / acknowledged an ex-girlfriend.

You split up for a reason, keep it that way.

I don't really get that. people change and I would even go so far to say that eventually down the years the person you dated doesn't really exist anymore. So to me unless they did something that is a extremely bad (we are talking stuff even the law declares no. abuse,rape,etc....) eventually they should be at the very least be given a chance to be friends again.

Everyone is a little different. Some people can dissociate from the past while others seem to relive it. Depending on how serious the relationship was, a breakup can be a major blow to trust. Banking on someone changing is more risky for yourself than the other person esp if you really did love this person. Most often the best route is to peel the bandage off quick and leave it alone. Its also rather hard to go back to "just being friends" when at some point you were planning on building a family together.

Quote from: KillTyrant on September 09, 2016, 05:37:29 PM

Everyone is a little different. Some people can dissociate from the past while others seem to relive it. Depending on how serious the relationship was, a breakup can be a major blow to trust. Banking on someone changing is more risky for yourself than the other person esp if you really did love this person. Most often the best route is to peel the bandage off quick and leave it alone. Its also rather hard to go back to "just being friends" when at some point you were planning on building a family together.

that I can understand. I guess i've just been lucky because all but one of my relationships have ended on good terms, and I still talk to the one bad one from time to time. I guess my mind just operates on the principal on trust too easily :P

Maybe. However, you are also the one that created a thread in the off topic section asking people about their ex lover policies. The reason for such action is obviously pure speculation but typically questions like these are usually the resultant of a bad reaction. Something that I quite often find myself telling others when they are lost and hurting from a breakup is to let those feelings manifest themselves. all too often I find that people that havent had the proper chance to grieve are the very same ones that hold steadfast to some unfounded optimism about the one they lost, coming back into their lives. As if to pick up from exactly where they left off. Now to reel in this ramble. Trust is a commodity that shouldnt be freely given. Its earned. Someone who either abused your trust or undervalues it, should recieve neither your time or patience.

good words to live by.

by the way, the reason for this poll is stated in the beginning, just gotta go read it bud. the only reason I'm more active in this poll than my other ones is that this poll is meant for debate about morals.

Quote from: billycop32 on September 09, 2016, 09:28:41 PM
good words to live by.

by the way, the reason for this poll is stated in the beginning, just gotta go read it bud. the only reason I'm more active in this poll than my other ones is that this poll is meant for debate about morals.

I was on my mobile phone when I first read the topic so I didnt clearly see what you wrote there. Is this person one of your ex's I presume?

Quote from: KillTyrant on September 09, 2016, 10:35:34 PM

Quote from: billycop32 on September 09, 2016, 09:28:41 PM
good words to live by.

by the way, the reason for this poll is stated in the beginning, just gotta go read it bud. the only reason I'm more active in this poll than my other ones is that this poll is meant for debate about morals.

I was on my mobile phone when I first read the topic so I didnt clearly see what you wrote there. Is this person one of your ex's I presume?

way in the past.kinda hard to believe it has been almost 3 years. it ended on really good terms and we have been close friends sense. I'm not gonna go into any more personal detail though.

A yes or no would have sufficed for me. (btw, even if you said she wasnt I wouldnt have believed you)

I tend to agree with your friends logic here. Sometimes when a chapter closes, the main characters in those pages diverge and start their own books that will overlap in that you two are linked in time by choice. However the roles from within that shared chapter will be reprised by different actors. You have a friend from a relationship that ended amicably. This for alot of people is a real life unicorn.  I dont need to know the details of why you guys broke it off but the fact you have some feelings for her is clouding your judgement here. In life, emotion supersedes logic because thats the human condition. The safest route when it comes to your emotional well being is moving forward and attempt that life with someone else. Using the knowledge gleaned from your past failures, you will temper your wants and needs in a partner.

As a small aside, Be sure you actually "date" this person you are attempting to share your life with. I find that alot of relationships fail because they rushed in way too quick and didnt realize that they didnt have much in common beyond sex. Typically you want to date for at least 3 months to actually get a feel for how this person is on the daily. Ill stop spamming your thread with needless pontifications.

My answer is another one.

I would let them back IF the problem causing the break up was fixed.

No sense dating a girl you dumped because her being illogical and irresponsible,  if shes STILL illogical and irresponsible.  Same with friends. Change or stay gone.

updated the poll to include mumble's answer

For starter, background. I've been happily married for almost a year, we had a long distance relationship (200km long) for 5 years, and I (I believe we) were always true to one another.

If she cheated on me and came clean to me, and explain why they did it, because of X reasons and etc, I would not even break-up depending on the reason. If treason is explained, it may be forgiven. Also If we broke up because of the distance, money, political situation or because we wanted something different at the given time, I wouldn't mind getting back with her, knowing we ended in good terms and the time we spent together was meaningful.

But, If she cheated on my and I found out by reading messages, seeing it happen or being told by someone I trust, I would confront her, and if she admits it or deny without reason, I would break-up with her. After the break-up, I wouldn't be able to trust her again. Even if she changed, I will not forget the time she did it. And it could happen again. For me, Living in a relationship without trust, is worse than living alone.

That's my 2 cents.

I voted "I am open to giving them another chance, as long as the break-up wasn't for a really bad reason" Distrust is the worst reason.

Cheating : Nope
Reason for break up is fixed : Another Chance

Generally I don't trust ex-lovers anymore, and try to stay distant, so doubtful I'll get back with them. I'm pretty big on loyalty so if they're a break it's probably due to in part something causing one another to stop being loyal/respectful of one another.

Yeah, cheating is kind of unrepairable. Even in my worst relationships, I leave them if I feel tempted, before doing anything.

Leaving to try and get with others is ALWAYS better than cheating.

I actually don't have a solid answer here, so I guess that puts me in the "I let my heart lead the way" camp with a sprinkling of "it depends on if they've changed/fixed the problem." In my experience, some people do grow up and evolve away from their previous bad habits. OTOH, there's a reason the saying goes "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

The problem is that it comes down to (1) what the specific issue was, and (2) whether it's a core part of the person. For instance, in the case of cheating, did the person cheat because things in the relationship were rocky and they were young and made a bad decision in the moment that they regretted? Or did they cheat because they're the sort of person who tends to put their own needs ahead of everyone else's, including their partner's and/or their relationship? In the first case, it's POSSIBLE they could have simply made a horrible mistake and will never do that sort of thing again (though it does say something about how they respond to difficult times, and that has to be considered). In the second case, that person is never going to put you first, so the possibility of them doing it again is much higher.

The safest route is to just say no. But as I'm no longer a teenager, I know that people can change. I CERTAINLY wouldn't give somebody another chance too soon, because the odds that they've actually changed are much less than the odds that they've temporarily convinced themselves they have (or are simply trying to convince you they have) because they want what they no longer have. But, after a number of years....? Maybe. I'd have to evaluate the person in their current state and would definitely take more time before jumping in than I would with someone new.

Obviously, if there wasn't any sort of cheating or other breach of trust or show of selfishness that broke up the relationship -- say, we just broke up because one of us wasn't ready to settle down yet or because the fit, at the time, wasn't quite right -- and the break-up was handled with respect and fairness (e.g., breaking up BEFORE moving on with someone else), I'd consider it. People change. People grow. What was a bad fit 5 years ago might be a better fit now. You never know.

For me, though, cheating is pretty much an eternal deal-breaker. Even if the person really did change, I would never be able to fully trust it. I'd always be wondering whenever they were "out with friends" or on a "girls' trip to Vegas" or some such. My ex got a little shady in Vegas on a girls' trip -- shady in a way that I don't even know the full details of but which definitely involved another guy -- and I would NEVER consider getting back together with her, no matter how many years go by. We're friendly now, we talk occasionally, and we've gotten closure on our issues, but I'd never be able to trust her in a relationship again because, at (at least) one point, she demonstrated a willingness to break that trust for her own selfish reasons. And, when questioned directly (with evidence) about it, she lied to my face. Even after I gave her several chances to tell the truth. So.... in a case like that, I'm out. Forever. NEXT!

In fact, the only time I've ever taken a cheater back was with my second gf -- in high school and who was, in many ways, my "white buffalo" -- and the only reason I did it was because she came to me, admitted the cheating, apologized profusely, was obviously upset by it, and promised to never do it again. I was impressed that she came to me, admitted it, and felt so regretful, because I would never have even known that it had happened otherwise, and that indicated to me that she was truly remorseful and wouldn't let herself go down that path again. Of course, she ended up cheating on me two more times. And the second time, after having an affair with this guy for some unspecified amount of time while we were together, she dumped me for him. So... lesson learned.

I will say, I am ANALLY investigative (erm...that came out better in my head) with people, and I don't do the whole "just trust me honey!" thing.

This even happens with friends, and its a very good way to seperate liars from real folks. Nobody who tells the truth has a problem with it.

Quite simply, if theres doubt, I will ask, and I WILL verify information.

For instance, if someone says they were with so and so on x day, I will ask so and so "what were you doing on x day?". If they don't mention being with x, well, I've been lied to.

I will say, if I get lies in a relationship, this is also a red flag

i agree. always try to verify discreetly, most girls do that all the time and they expect you to always put up with it. but when they caught you trying to verify what they say, they go haywire coz they think it's a violation of their trust.

i'm gonna call BS on that double standard.

Quote from: keylocke on October 07, 2016, 01:59:25 PM
i agree. always try to verify discreetly, most girls do that all the time and they expect you to always put up with it. but when they caught you trying to verify what they say, they go haywire coz they think it's a violation of their trust.

i'm gonna call BS on that double standard.

Here here!

Relationships should be as even as possible, and only adjust if someones ABILITY is uneven. (if my gf is dumb as a bag of hammers, i expect she listen to me.

Though I do think trying to trap a guy by telling one of her friends to attempt to seduce their bf to "test him" is one of the most retarded ideas out there. Even if he doesn't do it, you will make him want to.