Outrealm | Rimworld Fiction!

[Shadss]

Heya! My name is Shadss and I'm an amateur writer, and I adore the world and lore of Rimworld. The lore of Rimworld is so expansive and allows for so many beautiful adaptions and stories. So, I want to introduce mine. I've titled this story Outrealm, and it's a story of a series of crude mercenaries that have promptly chosen the wrong path and properly locked themselves in a similar story to the ones we all go through. I'm not too far along down the line in the story, however I want to put much more time into it to continue all the adventures I wish to put the characters through. I also plan to roll for events, much like the randomness to Rimworld. I plan to roll for injuries, successes, and everything else, so no one is safe; not even my favorite characters!

I do hope you all enjoy the stories that I put down, and feel free to contribute in any way, shape, or form! Currently DeviantArt(Ehhhhh...) is roughly my only way of posting my writings, so... there it is. The only reason I don't do it here is because it'd be a mess.

INTRODUCTION

DECLINE I
http://shadss.deviantart.com/art/Outrealm-INTRODUCTION-DECLINE-1-Sci-Fi-584305231

DECLINE II
http://shadss.deviantart.com/art/Outrealm-INTRODUCTION-DECLINE-2-Sci-Fi-584306983
DECLINE III
( W.I.P )

[A Friend]

Holy christ...

I demand more of this quality writing that you have right here.

[Thane]

Decent space of text. Definitely worth a read, but unless you are doing it for flavor I would look up how to use 'would' if I were you. The way you jumped from present to future and past tense was very disorienting. My internal cameraman didn't know which filter to use or whether to label the scenes flashback, or action.

As a work of science-fiction set in the far future I might tone down the temporal phrases and jokes. The one used to introduce the leader was good, as it introduced a plot element and concept, but phrases like 'cis-scum' and 'otherkin'  I doubt will prove the test of time in their exact phrasing.

As for imagery: if the issue of 'would's was fixed the picture would be absolutely phenomenal.

Plot was standard for Rimworld, but it does adequately explain why a ship carrying people would pass so close to a planet that is not its destination.

Your characters, were also very nice. I see a few tropes in there, but its not a bad thing to use tropes sometimes. I say this as someone who has watched a potential writer stall simply for not wanting to use a trope to move the story onwards.

Overall, it had a very engaging structure and kept my interest, but the jumps in tense really left me at a loss.

[ModernGib]

At first I didn't think i'd read it all, seeming a bit uninterested at the idea, however found myself hooked on reading through till the end.
I also found myself visualising it as if it were the start of a movie or a tv-show (As I usually do with these sorts of stories) and then imagined what role I would take if I were to, say, live in the existance of 'Rimworld'. Overall it was a lovely read and I will continue to move towards the second chapter/page/division/thing.

[jzero]

i really want to read it, it seems interesting. But the fact that everything seems to be, i don't know, being thought of head of time by the character? (maybe?).  the use of would is so appalling that i cant even read it, my head physically hurts because of it. I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful to you. Just please do something about the word would being so wrong in every way. I repeat that is the only wrong thing i could see about this, the rest seems great.

[A Friend]

Man, everyone's out here posting intelligent criticisms, pointing problems and being cool in general... and then there's me.

Dangit, time to step up my critic game!

[jzero]

Man, everyone's out here posting intelligent criticisms, pointing problems and being cool in general... and then there's me.

Dangit, time to step up my critic game!

Yeah man you gotta learn to be more of a jerk. Like meeee 

[GuesUserNameGUN]

Story is great so far, but you need to introduce the character before you refer to him. not even introduce, you can just say "the man" or something, but before you use he you need something for "he or he'd" to modify. also, instead of referring to things hes going to, keep it present tense unless going into the future or flashbacks. so instead of "he'd step into the room" use "he steps into the room" unless it is a narrative, in which case it would always be past tense.

[TheGentlmen]

gimme more son!