RIMworld TV

Started by JimmyAgnt007, February 11, 2016, 12:48:23 PM

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I wanted to write a non visual comical story so naturally Im doing it based on TV.  When I thought of the idea of TV in RIMworld i put in the cheap suggestions then made a thread for an expanded idea.  Since I doubt this is anything like a priority for the game itself I figure why not roll with it myself.


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Finally figured out how to link specific messages.  So now things should be easier to read through.



In an area of space known as the RIM worlds there are many planets with people clinging to life and on one of them a group of people trying to film it for ratings.  Anything and everything is in their scope to broadcast.  Having hacked into a defunct satellite network to transmit all over the planet they can reach several television sets.

In the colony of Central, grown from a few survivors who crashed landed into a village of dozens, the static on the TV became too much to bare.  A debate rages between Sarivanna 'Sari' BelEno and Chet Manly.

"Im serious!" Sari Shouted. "Background radiation from the cosmos wears thin after two years."

"I get that but we are supposed to be helping the colony.  Not screwing around with cameras." Chet replied.

"This will help the colony.  Seven cases of nervous breakdowns and the near constant drinking binges could have been avoided if people had something to watch."

"You do realize that a solid ¾ of those binges were yours right?"

"Yes and if I had something to watch they would end in drinking games instead of fistfights."

"I... like that idea."

"How's the arm?"

"Still adjusting to the bionics but i'd have preferred you didn't beat me with my original."

"Sorry, but at least we can mount a camera on it now.  Now all we need is the mayor's approval."

"That might be an issue..."

"We had spare eyes in the med center.  I don't get why people get so upset over things that get be replaced.  Damn sentimental fools!  All of you!"

"Preferring original body parts isn't really sentimental and there is also the issue of the messy transition."

"OK I understand not everyone likes things ripped off or out but our motto is 'For the good of the colony' so my plan will get approved."

"Actually that's just usually what people prefix before 'please stop hurting me' as you beat them during your drunken rages."

"Look, either you get behind me with the mayor or I'm going to need to drink again to deal with the crushing boredom of static TV."

"...so I heard the mayor's going to be at the plowing match.  Lets try there."


I'm dying here. That was a good off-color punch line.
It is regular practice to install peg legs and dentures on anyone you don't like around here. Think about that.


Lookin like another Jimmy classic. purty noice m8
Actual cannibal shia labeouf.


The ploughing match was an annual event at the beginning of spring to prepare the fields for crops.  It was intended to celebrate the first colonists struggle to grow the food they would need and as a thin veil to disguise hard work as something fun.  The mayor with suspiciously clean hands presided over the match to judge who did the best job in the shortest amount of time.  Ignoring the fact that a stopwatch would be more accurate.

"A good show so far this year Stephen don't you think?" the mayor asked his aid.

"Indeed sir." He replied. 

"Good show people!  We hope to have the winner announced by the end of the day!"  The mayor announced over the loudspeaker.

"Looks like you have some guests, sir."

"Hey, Luis!  If you are so good at judging people I'd love to see you show them a pro at work."  Sari shouted.

"Miss Sari.  You will address me with respect as your mayor."

"Last time I did that you got upset."

"Last time you called me mayor lardchins!"

A roar of laughter rolled over the fields as it dawned on the mayor that he had left the loudspeaker on.

"Oh you damn..." he hit the button to turn it off.  "Look at what you have done!"

"Gee I sure didn't expect that to happen,"  Sari smirked.

"What do you want?!"

"To make life easier on you by giving me something to do."

"I doubt very much you want to make my life easier.  I am suspicious of whatever it is but spit it out."

"I'm going to take Chet here and we are going to start filming so that we can have entertainment for the television units."

"Why would we need that?"

"Well, you installed more sets in the colony than we have people.  If they are going to keep sucking up power then it might as well be entertaining people."

"Why you?  I could have much more agreeable people doing this."

"Because they all have better things to do and I know what you do with the Muffalo."

The mayor's face turned red and his aides looked at him with a shocked expression. 

"You, of course, have my full support and confidence." the mayor uttered meaning the opposite.

"Thanks." Sari turned away from the mayor to Chet as they walked away.

"What did he do?" Chet asked almost afraid to know.

"No idea.  Just that he smells like one and he isn't exactly a farm hand."

"My first assignment is hanging out with the Muffalo until I get something on film isn't it?"


The next day, at the horseshoe pin.

"Seriously?!" Sari exclaimed.

"Yea..." Chet replied.  "He likes to drink milk direct from the udder.  Not quite what I was expecting but pretty much a blank cheque from the mayors now."

"Well damn.  Looks like."

"So what's our next move?"

"We need to record something that we don't plan to use as blackmail.  Something everyone wants to see."

"So NOT the ploughing match."

"Ha! No.  People like violence but the raiders haven't been around in a while.  The natives keep their distance but we can't just wait around for one of them to do something."

"Maybe we focus on drama instead of action.  I hear there is something of a love triangle in hydroponics."

"No.  Good for later but no.  We need something violent.  If we can't wait for something we need to start something."

"So I get to film you late at night in the bar?  I don't think people would enjoy seeing their asses kicked by a 90lb woman over and over again."

"Very funny.  No, I think a native should attack."

"I assume you have a brilliant plan for upsetting the tribe?"

"Hell no!  They are the ones I trade for booze when the colony cuts me off.  I will get one of their outfits and tribal paint."

"Oh no."

"Then we grab Fat Mike."

"Please tell me that..."

"Dress him up and stuff his mouth with peanut butter so he can't talk right."

"This won't ever work."

"Then shoot him full of some adrenaline and stuff you are going to steal from the Med Center."

"That I'M going to steal?"

"Then when he's in an incoherent rage we let him loose on Figgs.

"Figgs?  What did he do?  I know why you hate Fat Mike but why Figgs?"

"We get it on film and take care of two jerks at the same time."

"If you aren't going to answer me can you at least tell me he deserves it."

"Oh, he does."

"He does by Sari standards or by normal standards held by the rest of the human race?"

"He either deserves it or I volunteer you for the job and get a first person POV."

"Damn, I've always hated that Figgs guy."


In the mayor's office.

"Sari when I approved this I had hoped that it would result in fewer injuries to the townspeople."

"It's still fewer than if I had been drinking instead."

"Granted... but Figgs and Mike are in critical condition now and in medical."

"Yes but now we have something on the TV to entertain people.  They are enjoying it."

"How can people be entertained by that?"

"You haven't seen it?"

"No, I've been reading the injury reports from Doctor Dahmer."

"Well watch it and judge with your own eyes."

"I will."

"Well, not your own eyes.  The replacements you have now."

"Just turn on the damn TV."

One switch flicked later.

"Welcome to the first episode of Native Attack.  I am your host Sari!"

"Camera guy Chet."

"Quiet Chet, here comes Figgs.  Out for a stroll when suddenly..."

"Wha ih goh un!" Fat Mike screamed as he burst from the trees.

"Oh no!  It would appear that a native is about to attack Figgs."

"What the?!  Stop right there!"  Figs shouted pulling out his pistol.

"Looks like the native is about to be shot.  I'd like to mention to our viewers that I have no idea where that auto-injector on the Fat Natives neck came from."


"Wow look at that!  Three shots and he's still up.  Now watch as he gets close enough to engage in melee!"

"Why are you... Fat Mike?  What's going on?!  Why are you att... hey, you bit me!"

"There you can see two men, one uncivilised vs one sexist sack of crap, locked in a struggle for their lives."

"Chet would like to take this moment to explain the benefits of equality in the colony and why he supports it."

"Quiet Chet.  The native is laying in with the knife and eating an ear.  Let's get closer so we can see all the blood."

The TV gets turned off.

"It goes on like that for 53 more minutes but I don't think it will help my case if you watch all of it."

"This is terrible!  I'm cancelling your little program!  Nobody will believe any 'lies' about me."

"Maybe not but Chet got proof so unless you want the rest of the colony to see the first episode of 'Muffalo Calf or Mayor Trivia Challenge Show' I think you will let me do my thing."

"Chet... Where is he?  I ordered you both to be here."

"Oh, he's in the med centre filming our medical drama.  'Treated or Eaten.'  The doctor assures me he will wait for us to be a few episodes in before he eats anyone but you never know."


The way you set it up. First it's called the plowing match, to get the dirtier of us thinking in a certain bent, then you tell us he smells of muffalo. XD
It is regular practice to install peg legs and dentures on anyone you don't like around here. Think about that.


This sounds like what actually happens happen on a colony of rimworld.
This is Rimworld people, Where cannibals ware pink helmets and nudest decide to go outside when its -59F, And where shit happens. Its anything but fare or balanced, Lady Luck rolls a 1000-sided dice and 80% of that dice says"Death"on it. Your job is keeping your people alive in bad rolls. Good Luck.


Meanwhile in the med centre.

"Hello, and welcome to the first episode of 'Treated or Eaten.' I am your host Chet Manly"

"Now are you sure the mayor is ok with this?"

"Yes, doctor.  Sari and I made sure we had his full support.  Now please, go about your work like I'm not here."

"Very well then."

"Here we have the doctor treating Fat Mike for two gunshot wounds to the torso and one to the leg."

"You bastard!  What did I ever do to you?"

"Not so much me as what you did to Sari."

"Sari?!  All I did was... AHHHH!!! Damn it doc!  I thought we had sedatives!"

"Well, they wouldn't react well to the chems in your system.  The mixture would cook you alive and give you a terrible aftertaste so I'd like to avoid that."

"How would he taste right now doctor?"

"Taste?!  Damn you, doctor, I'm not..." *muffled yells*

"He obviously has a high body fat index but most of that is from Berries so put sugar on some fatty ground beef and you have an idea."

*muffled yells* "...I'm not dead yet!  Just do your job so I can get out of this place."

"I will go check on Figgs.  Also, Fat Mike, you shouldn't judge the doctor's dietary preferences too much.  Considering you took a few bites out of Figgs and ate his ear."


"Moving on to the recovery bed.  We have Figgs here.  How do you feel Figgs?"

"How do I feel?!" *cough* "My throat almost got bitten out.  My ear is currently digesting..."

"Found it!" The doctor shouted holding up a mangled ear while still elbow deep in Fat Mike.

"Doesn't look like that will get reattached, though."

"Damn you and Sari!  I make one suggestive move on her and she has it in for me forever."

"If I recall you were the one who told her..."

"I know what I told her!  I don't need that broadcast to the whole colony."

Quote "Maybe you might attract more men if you acted more like a woman.  Clean my room and get in my bed and we will see how that helps you." End Quote. 

"You realise every woman in the colony is going to hate me now."

"I really think that's already the case.  But if it wasn't Sari wanted to make sure."

"Are you done yet?!  I need rest!"

"Almost.  Are any of these bites the doctors?"


Colorful cast, rimworld related jokes that aren't to over the top, canabelistic doctor. You may have something here. Keep up the good work  :)


Thank you!  I was wondering if anyone was actually reading this anymore.  Might get going on the next episode.


Darn it. Saw your name as the last poster and rushed over. Oh well, I'll keep waiting.
It is regular practice to install peg legs and dentures on anyone you don't like around here. Think about that.


"So what you are telling me is sounding less like a love triangle and more along the lines of you stalking a married woman and not picking up on the subtle hints from her husband who is actually threatening you,"  Chet explains.

"No, he..." Rudolph starts.

"He said that accidents will happen and he will keep near you to make sure nothing too bad happens.  That means he will make sure those bad things will happen but avoid committing outright murder.  Not that he's trying to protect you and make you feel safe near him."

"That doesn't..."

"It does.  Knock it off."

"Chet!  With me now!" Sari yells after bursting through the door and running off as abruptly as she entered.

"Thank the gods!" Chet mutters as he gets up and leaves.

Chet catches up to Sari and followers her out of the living quarters into the main road.

"So did you get anything good?" She asks.

"No, turns out there is no love triangle in hydroponics so much as an oblivious stalker.  I think if the woman wasn't married to a pacifist there would have been a murder to film instead of living idiot."

"Damn, well put him on the 'accident' list for later.  Right now we got to get to the market square."

"A trader arrived?!  Maybe they have a remote camera we can pick up.  One in my hand is easy enough most of the time but I'd like something to take my place if we got to stake out the Muffalo pen again."

"Fine but first we need to film the mayor.  Dickens is sick so he will be doing the trading."

They arrive at the market in time to see the arriving traders setting up their wares.  The mayor shows up in his finery and suspiciously eyes Sari.

"Welcome to our town once again!  I'm afraid Dickens has gotten a bad case of food poisoning from some old muffalo milk.  Hopefully, we can work out a deal together."

"Old milk?  Where did all the fresh milk go I wonder?"  Sari asked giving the mayor an odd look.

"Low production this month..."  Chet zoomed in on the mayor's response.

"Interesting..."  Sari drew out the word long enough for the mayor to get the hint.

"Well, we came all this way I would hope to get some trading done."  The visiting trader interrupted not getting the context of the exchange.

"Indeed!" Exclaimed the mayor trying to get down to business. 

"We understand you have a lot of wool this year."

"Very much so!  That is one source of production that is higher than ever!"

"Good, what goods are you interested in?"

The mayor starts to list off items from a paper prepared by Dickens who knew full well the mayor had no idea what the colony actually needed.

"And this camera!" Chet shouts holding up a handheld camera.

*cough* "Yes that camera as well..." the mayor added reluctantly.

After the trading, Sari took Chet to the bar to talk while he fussed over his new camera.

"Well, that was fun but not much content.  Without Dickens doing the trading we got screwed out of a lot of silver.  Granted it will make the mayor look bad but I feel it's missing something."  Sari sighed.

"We can always show the footage to Dickens himself.  He's been puking his guts out for four days so I'm sure his language will be colourful and very undiplomatic."

"Perfect!  Grab some nose plugs and meet me in medical!"