ex-lover policy

[BetaSpectre]

Cheating : Nope
Reason for break up is fixed : Another Chance

Generally I don't trust ex-lovers anymore, and try to stay distant, so doubtful I'll get back with them. I'm pretty big on loyalty so if they're a break it's probably due to in part something causing one another to stop being loyal/respectful of one another.

[mumblemumble]

Yeah, cheating is kind of unrepairable. Even in my worst relationships, I leave them if I feel tempted, before doing anything.

Leaving to try and get with others is ALWAYS better than cheating.

[ChannelJohn]

I actually don't have a solid answer here, so I guess that puts me in the "I let my heart lead the way" camp with a sprinkling of "it depends on if they've changed/fixed the problem." In my experience, some people do grow up and evolve away from their previous bad habits. OTOH, there's a reason the saying goes "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

The problem is that it comes down to (1) what the specific issue was, and (2) whether it's a core part of the person. For instance, in the case of cheating, did the person cheat because things in the relationship were rocky and they were young and made a bad decision in the moment that they regretted? Or did they cheat because they're the sort of person who tends to put their own needs ahead of everyone else's, including their partner's and/or their relationship? In the first case, it's POSSIBLE they could have simply made a horrible mistake and will never do that sort of thing again (though it does say something about how they respond to difficult times, and that has to be considered). In the second case, that person is never going to put you first, so the possibility of them doing it again is much higher.

The safest route is to just say no. But as I'm no longer a teenager, I know that people can change. I CERTAINLY wouldn't give somebody another chance too soon, because the odds that they've actually changed are much less than the odds that they've temporarily convinced themselves they have (or are simply trying to convince you they have) because they want what they no longer have. But, after a number of years....? Maybe. I'd have to evaluate the person in their current state and would definitely take more time before jumping in than I would with someone new.

Obviously, if there wasn't any sort of cheating or other breach of trust or show of selfishness that broke up the relationship -- say, we just broke up because one of us wasn't ready to settle down yet or because the fit, at the time, wasn't quite right -- and the break-up was handled with respect and fairness (e.g., breaking up BEFORE moving on with someone else), I'd consider it. People change. People grow. What was a bad fit 5 years ago might be a better fit now. You never know.

For me, though, cheating is pretty much an eternal deal-breaker. Even if the person really did change, I would never be able to fully trust it. I'd always be wondering whenever they were "out with friends" or on a "girls' trip to Vegas" or some such. My ex got a little shady in Vegas on a girls' trip -- shady in a way that I don't even know the full details of but which definitely involved another guy -- and I would NEVER consider getting back together with her, no matter how many years go by. We're friendly now, we talk occasionally, and we've gotten closure on our issues, but I'd never be able to trust her in a relationship again because, at (at least) one point, she demonstrated a willingness to break that trust for her own selfish reasons. And, when questioned directly (with evidence) about it, she lied to my face. Even after I gave her several chances to tell the truth. So.... in a case like that, I'm out. Forever. NEXT!

In fact, the only time I've ever taken a cheater back was with my second gf -- in high school and who was, in many ways, my "white buffalo" -- and the only reason I did it was because she came to me, admitted the cheating, apologized profusely, was obviously upset by it, and promised to never do it again. I was impressed that she came to me, admitted it, and felt so regretful, because I would never have even known that it had happened otherwise, and that indicated to me that she was truly remorseful and wouldn't let herself go down that path again. Of course, she ended up cheating on me two more times. And the second time, after having an affair with this guy for some unspecified amount of time while we were together, she dumped me for him. So... lesson learned.

[mumblemumble]

I will say, I am ANALLY investigative (erm...that came out better in my head) with people, and I don't do the whole "just trust me honey!" thing.

This even happens with friends, and its a very good way to seperate liars from real folks. Nobody who tells the truth has a problem with it.

Quite simply, if theres doubt, I will ask, and I WILL verify information.

For instance, if someone says they were with so and so on x day, I will ask so and so "what were you doing on x day?". If they don't mention being with x, well, I've been lied to.

I will say, if I get lies in a relationship, this is also a red flag

[keylocke]

i agree. always try to verify discreetly, most girls do that all the time and they expect you to always put up with it. but when they caught you trying to verify what they say, they go haywire coz they think it's a violation of their trust.

i'm gonna call BS on that double standard.

[mumblemumble]

i agree. always try to verify discreetly, most girls do that all the time and they expect you to always put up with it. but when they caught you trying to verify what they say, they go haywire coz they think it's a violation of their trust.

i'm gonna call BS on that double standard.

Here here!

Relationships should be as even as possible, and only adjust if someones ABILITY is uneven. (if my gf is dumb as a bag of hammers, i expect she listen to me.

Though I do think trying to trap a guy by telling one of her friends to attempt to seduce their bf to "test him" is one of the most retarded ideas out there. Even if he doesn't do it, you will make him want to.