Dear Colonists...

[Daniell]

Ever wanted to send a note to your colonists? Something like this:

Dear Jones,
You will notice that you now have a bionic eye to replace the one that was scarred in the Boomalope Incident of 5502. You will also notice that your left eye is now in your right eye socket, and your nose has been replaced by an artificial duplicate. Please disregard these changes. Our doctors are still learning.
--Management

Dear Bren,
We are aware of your preference for... exotic food. We are attempting to indulge you with your own special butcher's shop and dining room. We request that you use these facilities, so that nobody has to see you eating the remains of their beloved grandmother, who at 73 years old was still spry enough to wield an incendiary launcher and burn an ear off our best trader. The fact that you are now in the infirmary with a broken jaw, a missing right thumb, and a newly-minted Rival, is your own fault.
--Management

[gipothegip]

With the things that happen in this game, I could only imagine.

I can see a generic "Sorry I shot off your leg" greeting card being sent between colonists.

[Bolgfred]

Dear Robert,

On behalf of the colony, we apologize for taking half your lung and kidney. It was a misclick.
Also best regards from Gonzo, he went back to bandits camp and really loves his new bionic leg.
You might want to use the telescope we bought from your organs to see him running around.

We hope your organs will grow back soon.

Best Regards,
Doctor Ace and Team


p.s.: Management told me to tell you that having a peg leg and no lung ain't a reason for not working. You're back on hauling duty tomorrow

__________________________________________


Dearest Futa,

When you read this, I am gone for a while. I know you're busy on food binge, but when you finished I want you to know this: the dining room is burning.
You might noticed your hot seat. It's not a feature, it's on fire.

In Love,
Your Husband Hoko, Pyromanic

[Sbilko]

Lol, I laughed a lot on these xD
Do more please!

[SpookCrow]

Dear Scyther,

We are sorry to inform you that your artificial brain will be shut off and your body will be scrapped for important materials. You probably should of thought twice for causing damage to our colony, slicing off Johnny's left arm and giving our poor old Jermony(dog) a heart attack. Johnny is doing fine however, he's got an awesome new bionic arm that he can craft faster with. Jermony is 6 feet under though...

Anyway we hope you enjoy your couple of minutes of reading our forgiveness letter that we stuck to your face as you roll around in the dirt controllably and have a great afterlife as our useful turret as the steel from your body will be used to build it.

Sincerly, The Topat Colony

PS: we are happy to say that your other buddy(centipede) makes as a great doormat to keep the dirt out our base but in his malfunction state kinda makes it hard to scrape the dirt off our shoes.

[Call me Arty]

Dear, Rodger, Ishmael, and Joseph.

   If you are reading this, then it must mean that you are now searching through every pack in the caravan for some food, believing that surely, someone had to pack some! In reality, there is none. Perhaps we would have some had you, Rodger, not burned last winter's stores, or had you, Ishmael, in your power armor and longsword, not incapacitated the majority of the base in your beserk rage just in time to let Joseph, the last pyromaniac we will ever allow into the colony, burn our crops and connected power grid, roasting poor young Jenny alive in her room. Rather than deal with the drama involved in slaughtering you three, we have sent you out to the nearest enemy fortification in hopes of your eventual demise. Do not come back, you will starve. Do not write back, you will likely be bleeding too profusely to keep the paper legible. Burn in hell.

Your beloved leader,
Jeremy "Jerky" Smith.

Dear, United Colonies of Smithtonia

   I, Ishmael, had some luck. While my associates where getting gunned down and torn apart by our dear enemies, enemy fire destroyed eviscerated one of their own brawlers leaving me some armor, a sword. . . and a few doses of Luciferum. His right leg helped curb the gnawing hunger of my own body eating me alive. I am returning shortly, "Jerky", and once I'm finished beating you to death with your own bionic arm, I'm taking it to replace the one I've lost today.

See you soon, brother.
Ismael "Betrayus" Smith.

[dkmoo]

Dear Colonists:

WARNING: ANCIENT DANGER INSIDE. OPEN AT YOUR OWN RISK.

- Orbital overlord.

________________

Dear Colonists:

Due to recent blight and current toxic fall-out and nuclear winter, marshal law is in effect and the following rules will be strictly enforced without exception:
1) Individuals with disabilities, illness, wimp/depressive traits, or otherwise prone to mental breaks who are in non-critical roles (defense, food production, medical) will be sent directly to cryosleep.
2) Individuals with jogging traits or bionic legs will be allowed to periodically reawaken for base maintenance duties.
3) Prisoners will not be fed. Tribal prisoners will be released for good will. Pirate prisoners shall have organ harvested in the following order - 1 Lung, 1 Kidney, Heart/Liver. Remains shall be fed to livestock.
4) food bingers shall be beaten down with a stick.
5) indoor restrictions will be observed.

- Orbital overlord.

_______________________________

Dear Colonists:

In celebration of Ground-Chinchilla day. Chef Tater, the inventor of tator tots (a mid-world delicacy) has prepared a lavish dinner to welcome the new growing season with the last scraps of our food pile. Menu items include:

Appetizers:
  1) tossed wild berry salad
  2) cassowary noodle soup

Main course:
  1) Thrumbo  sirloin and pomme frites
  2) Boomalop-akabob chargrilled in boomrat fire with agave reduction.
  3) organic stewed Megasloth and ambrosia-infused wild rice.
  4) country-fried beer cornmeal battered rat legs.

Dessert:
  1) selection of space-aged dromedary cheese
  2) Cobra eggtarts

Beverage:
  1) MacGlitterland 15 - 15 year old single-malt aged in teak barrel.
  2) fresh batch of microbrewed beer from Engie's backyard hut.
  3) Jose Cuervo Plasteel - a saguaro cactus twist based on an ancient 2017 core-world recipe

Sincerely,

- Orbital overlord.