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Author Topic: Character Draft - Kees Van Vugt  (Read 2305 times)

EarthyTurtle

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Character Draft - Kees Van Vugt
« on: November 02, 2013, 01:00:23 PM »

So I drafted a character and tried to stick as true to the Guidelines as I could. It's about 3:30am in the morning so if I have majorly misinterpreted something please point it out xD.

My name is Kees Van Vugt (I hope 2 word last names are allowed) and I am a designer. I've tried to be as true to reality as possible, while integrating into the background of the Rimworld. My aim is kind of a friendly artist/designer who's primary role is morality of the colony through aesthetic design and friendly chatter :). Weak in the physical labor department and unable to grow plants. Let me know what you think. I think I could personally loose some science too but I'm unsure what sort of trait could do that... perhaps right side left side thinking?

Anyways I'd love some thoughts and feedback on my first draft.

Edit: Modified to fit template

------------------------------------------------------

Kees "Van Vugt" (short: Kees)
Mercenary Tier

Childhood: Optimistic child
Offsets:
Social offset +4
Backstory: "Kees was blessed with loving parents and a pleasant midworld life. This lead to him being a rather optimistic and sociable kid. He loved befriending those around him, learning from them and listening to their stories. His imagination would run wild with ideas, stories and questions."

Adulthood: Designer
Offsets:
Artistic offset +7
Crafting offset +1

Backstory: "As a young adult, Kees' interest in artistic expression grew and eventually led him to become a designer. His eye for detail made him a reasonably well-known artist on his planet. Though his meticulous habits often led him to spend too much time perfecting a single project."
« Last Edit: November 13, 2013, 11:52:56 PM by TinnedEpic »
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Tynan

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Re: Character Draft - Kees Van Vugt
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2013, 08:03:47 PM »

All sounds good, in general. I can only find fault if I deeply criticize the writing to perfection, which I'll do now:

-double-use of word 'child' is a tad awkward
-The word designer is not capitalized
-"as a child" in first sentence is unnecessary
-The word midworld needn't be capitalized (lots of people get this wrong. But the world types are just categories, like island or peninsula or war zone).
-Childhood sentences 2 and 3 seem to carry the same information. I wonder if you could replace one with an interesting unique detail.
-The word 'keen' seems unnecessary
-Can someone's interest flourish? I think that's odd. Maybe it just grew? Or something else?
-I think you could combine adulthood sentences 1 and 2, they carry much the same info. This makes room for another interesting detail.
-Word 'extremely' seems unnecessary
-Double-use of 'keen' within three sentences
-well know -> well-known

About the traits, you can't define traits this way, but you could implement both those with a Growing work disable and a -2 on melee, construction, and mining somewhere in the backstories. This'll be clearer in the webform system when it's up.

Thanks for the cool backstory!
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Tynan Sylvester - @TynanSylvester - Tynan's Blog

Tynan

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Re: Character Draft - Kees Van Vugt
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2013, 08:05:13 PM »

Oh and your name is awesome. You'd enter your last name as "Van Vugt" in this case. I'd suggest Kees as the short form.
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Tynan Sylvester - @TynanSylvester - Tynan's Blog

EarthyTurtle

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Re: Character Draft - Kees Van Vugt
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2013, 12:15:55 AM »

Thank you very much :3, I've enclosed my last name in quotations in order to distinguish it from my first name. Also I must apologise it seems my misinterpretation of the skills creation was carried on to a few other threads holding similar templates xD. Least that's how it looks from my perspective.

But I've gone through the list and made changes.
-double-use of word 'child' is a tad awkward
Fixed the double child, replaced one with kid
I changed Optimistic midworlder to Optimistic Child and used kids in the backstory to add variety.
-The word designer is not capitalized
Replaced capitals with their lower case brethren
-"as a child" in first sentence is unnecessary
Removed "as a child"
-The word midworld needn't be capitalized (lots of people get this wrong. But the world types are just categories, like island or peninsula or war zone).
Thanks for the clarification, I was unsure. I fixed it immediately. :)
-Childhood sentences 2 and 3 seem to carry the same information. I wonder if you could replace one with an interesting unique detail.
Replaced line 3 with "He loved befriending those around him". It sounds a bit basic to me but I think it suits. Any alternative suggestions?
I fleshed out the backstory a bit more, included more about his interest in people and stories. Some mental development included also.
-The word 'keen' seems unnecessary
Indeed, I've removed keen entirely
-Can someone's interest flourish? I think that's odd. Maybe it just grew? Or something else?
Perhaps I was somehow thinking of 'his skills flourished' oppose to 'his interest grew'. Then my mind did the diabolical act of combining them into some kind of twisted hybrid.  ;D
-I think you could combine adulthood sentences 1 and 2, they carry much the same info. This makes room for another interesting detail.
Combine, I merged the sentences only because I feel it necessary to incorporate the growth of his artistic values  that developed into his profession as a designer. It sounds alright to me right now, but I then felt that the double 'and' might have been a bit much so I put a full stop after "interstellar trade organizations" and carried on in a new sentence to explain "His eye for detail made him a reasonably well-known artist on his planet". I know you were expecting a bit of a fact in there somewhere so I can try incorporate a 4th sentence if you like: "Though his meticulous habits often led him to spend too much time on a single project".
I fleshed out the backstories a little, dropped the part about his interstellar company jobs and incorporated "Though his meticulous habits often led him to spend too much time perfecting a single project" instead. I felt it was more revealing about his character rather, the other was more telling a story about his past.
-Word 'extremely' seems unnecessary
Removed
-Double-use of 'keen' within three sentences
I removed 'keen' entirely as it really seemed unnecessary in both circumstances when I reread it.
-well know -> well-known
Whoops! My bad I thought I picked up on all the typos. Thank you.
About the traits, you can't define traits this way, but you could implement both those with a Growing work disable and a -2 on melee, construction, and mining somewhere in the backstories. This'll be clearer in the webform system when it's up.
Also my bad, I misinterpreted that section as something we needed to do. I removed the 'skills' section and changed the offsets under childhood/adulthood to possible offsets instead. Do traits need to be explained in the backstories? If so I may need to rework the backstory's to explain physical weakness and a lack of skill when it comes to growing plants.

Additionally I was also thinking of things I could add to add a bit more 'character' to my character and I thought a couple of phobia's might be nice.
Thalassophobic - Fear of being in large, deep bodies of water (Oceans, lakes, Seas, etc).
Arachnophobic - Fear of Arachnids, or Arachnid like creatures.

I'm not exactly sure how character development will change down the track or how other worlds will look in terms terrain which is why I was reluctant to add this in immediately without discussing it. It's not a 'must have', it's more a 'would be cool'.

Edit: I did a bit of a rework of the backstories to get them between 45-50 words but still incorporate some character details.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2013, 01:47:13 AM by TinnedEpic »
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Tynan

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Re: Character Draft - Kees Van Vugt
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2013, 12:51:15 PM »

There is no system to handle phobias existing or planned. I'd stay away from this aspect.
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Tynan Sylvester - @TynanSylvester - Tynan's Blog

EarthyTurtle

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Re: Character Draft - Kees Van Vugt
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2013, 09:42:58 PM »

No worries then :).
If you have any other suggestions or changes you would like to have made just let me know.
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