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Author Topic: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)  (Read 3565 times)

Thorwan

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Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« on: November 04, 2013, 08:44:03 AM »

Ok, here's my first draft for my Pirate King character. Let me know what you think and feel free to correct me as english is not my first language :)


Sven Haskel "Haskel"
(Pirate King)

Childhood
Growing up on an Industrial planet, [Character] has been introduced to working at a chemical plant at the age of 6. Being exposed to the toxins for all those years left him bitter and scarred, taking much of his sight.
  • +crafting +4
  • +research +2
  • -shooting disabled

Adulthood
Being unable to continue his work, [Character] joined a crew of marauding mercenaries, helping them fix their ship's fusion reactor and Tokamak weapons. He quickly became their leader's right hand and took over after his demise.
  • Social: +5
  • Melee: +3
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2013, 12:08:21 PM »

My 2 cents:
Pirate Kings have more freedom for character creation.
So I ask: Did the chemicals have any other effect  on him?
  • Super hearing: just like the Dare Devil
  • Super resistant to chemical weapons (if any in Rimworld)
  • Thickened skin: acting like armour
  • Natural infrared vision
  • Green skin
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Tynan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2013, 02:32:42 AM »

My 2 cents:
Pirate Kings have more freedom for character creation.
So I ask: Did the chemicals have any other effect  on him?
  • Super hearing: just like the Dare Devil
  • Super resistant to chemical weapons (if any in Rimworld)
  • Thickened skin: acting like armour
  • Natural infrared vision
  • Green skin

None of this is in the scope of the character creation system you'll be using I'm afraid.
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2013, 05:38:57 AM »

None of this is in the scope of the character creation system you'll be using I'm afraid.
I thought as much. Any thoughts on my original draft?
« Last Edit: November 06, 2013, 05:40:29 AM by Thorwan »
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Thorwan

AHoff

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2013, 04:51:46 PM »

I like it =)

How did you come up with that?
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Tynan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2013, 11:57:44 PM »

None of this is in the scope of the character creation system you'll be using I'm afraid.
I thought as much. Any thoughts on my original draft?

The general concept is good, though you've made various little writing errors.

"has been introduced" - This is the wrong verb tense, use the basic past tense
"Tokamak" - No need to capitalize this. I'd also ask that you take this kind of specific tech reference out; it's not really canon. "Nuclear weapons" would work, wouldn't it?\
"Being exposed to the toxins for all those years" - A bit awkward, perhaps "Years of exposure to industrial toxins"
"taking much of his sight" - Verb tense, I think this should match the sentence and be in past tense, like "and took much of his sight".

"Being unable to continue his work, [Character] joined a crew of marauding mercenaries" - Words "being" and "marauding" could probably go.
"He quickly became their leader's right hand and took over after his demise." This would be smoother if you rewrote it so "he" and "his" don't refer to two different people.
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2013, 10:57:15 AM »

I like it =)

How did you come up with that?
Well, I work at a chemical plant… ;)

The general concept is good, though you've made various little writing errors.

"has been introduced" - This is the wrong verb tense, use the basic past tense
"Tokamak" - No need to capitalize this. I'd also ask that you take this kind of specific tech reference out; it's not really canon. "Nuclear weapons" would work, wouldn't it?\
"Being exposed to the toxins for all those years" - A bit awkward, perhaps "Years of exposure to industrial toxins"
"taking much of his sight" - Verb tense, I think this should match the sentence and be in past tense, like "and took much of his sight".

"Being unable to continue his work, [Character] joined a crew of marauding mercenaries" - Words "being" and "marauding" could probably go.
"He quickly became their leader's right hand and took over after his demise." This would be smoother if you rewrote it so "he" and "his" don't refer to two different people.
Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it!


So here is Version 0.98beta2 of my draft:
Sven Haskel "Haskel"
(Pirate King)

Childhood
Growing up on an Industrial planet, [Character] was introduced to working at a chemical plant at the age of 6. Years of exposure to industrial toxins left him scarred and took much of his sight.
  • +crafting +4
  • +research +2
  • -shooting disabled

Adulthood
Unable to continue his work, [Character] joined a crew of mercenaries, helping them fix their ship's fusion reactor and nuclear weapons. He quickly became their leader's right hand and took over when the opportunity arose.
  • Social: +5
  • Melee: +3
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2013, 04:08:52 PM »

the most interesting draft so far
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zayzayem

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2014, 09:32:03 AM »

Very cool.

Childhood tagname: Industrialworld laborer. Industrialworld chemslave. Industrialworld slagger. Industrialworld accident victim.


Adulthood tagname: Pirate/Mercenary engineer (perhaps construction/crafting bonus)
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2014, 10:49:00 AM »

Version 0.99beta11 of my draft after receiving a notice that the lost sight thing shouldn't be in there, as it's managed by the game's own health system. I was also encouraged to fill in more details and "badass him up", so thats what I did:
Sven Haskel "Haskel"
(Pirate King)

Childhood
Growing up on an Industrial planet, NAME was introduced to working at a chemical plant at the age of 6. Years of exposure to industrial toxins left him physically and mentally scarred. Driven mad, he eventually blew up the facility and managed to get off planet in a stolen cargo ship.
  • crafting +4
  • research +5
  • social -5

Adulthood
Unable to continue his work, NAME joined a crew of mercenaries, helping them fix their fusion reactor and nuclear weapons. HECAP quickly became their leader's right hand and took over when the opportunity arose, connecting his shower to the ship's waste disposal acid.
  • Social: +5
  • Research: +3
  • Crafting: +4

P.S.: Don't know what HECAP stands for, but thats something that got written in there by the reviewer. :)
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2014, 10:52:18 AM »

Nice nice!

HECAP just gets replaced by the capitalized form of the gender specific pronoun. In this case it equates to He.
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2014, 02:54:09 PM »

HECAP just gets replaced by the capitalized form of the gender specific pronoun. In this case it equates to He.
Shouldn't there be a placeholder for "his" and "him" as well?
« Last Edit: January 15, 2014, 02:59:53 PM by Thorwan »
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Thorwan

Tynan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2014, 03:01:13 PM »

HECAP just gets replaced by the capitalized form of the gender specific pronoun. In this case it equates to He.
Shouldn't there be a placeholder for "his" and "him" as well?

There are.

We're not that anal about making sure everyone writes these perfectly though. Technically it makes no difference unless the backstory is gender-switchable, which few or none of them are so far.
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Thorwan

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2014, 03:12:54 PM »

Ok, I thought as much. Submitted!

Thank you, can't wait for the next update :)
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Thorwan

zayzayem

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Re: Character Draft - Haskel (Pirate King)
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2014, 05:11:54 PM »

HECAP quickly became their leader's right hand and took over when the opportunity arose, connecting his shower to the ship's waste disposal acid.


Awesome!
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